i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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