It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
