Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
