I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
