Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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