You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
