WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
