can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
