we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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