Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
