I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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