i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
