If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
