Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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