im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
