He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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