HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
