Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
