I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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