i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
