guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
