my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
