life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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