in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
