Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
