Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
