True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
