The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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