better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
