You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
