I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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