he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
