I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
