Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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