Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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