FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
