3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
