Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
