U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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