all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
