Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
