Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
