My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
