I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
