I just pynch a tree in the face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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