Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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