Your dad touched me again.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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