I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
