So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
