i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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